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The Power of Connection

12/24/2016

 
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December 24, 2016
Clear Confident Leader Weekly Observer, Issue #19
From the Greenbelt of Boise, Idaho, Covered in Snow

When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.  – Daniel Goleman

I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.  – Dr Brené Brown

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.  – Rachel Naomi Remen

Connecting with other people is an essential human nutrient. Without connection babies suffer significant developmental delays. As adults we need connection with others to live healthy, productive lives. Connection with other people creates a positive feedback loop of social, emotional and physical well-being.

With increased focus on getting things done, and staying up-to-date with the electronic world, it is easy to overlook connecting. Without healthy connections, relationships wither and fade away, and cultures erode. We risk losing the engagement and commitment from those upon whom we most depend: our families, friends, colleagues and neighbors.

One of my favorite anecdotes is from the first paragraph of The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook: Strategies and Tools for Building a Learning Organization. It is,

Amongst the tribes of northern Natal in South Africa, the most common greeting, equivalent to “hello” in English, is the expression: Sawu bona. It literally means, “I see you.” If you are a member of the tribe, you might reply by saying Sikhona, “I am here.” The order of the exchange is important: until you see me, I do not exist. It’s as if, when you see me, you bring me into existence.

The greeting comes from an understanding that we are individuals because of the acknowledgment, respect and connection we have with other people. Creating connections where people feel seen, heard, and valued are essential for the well-being of families, organizations and communities.

As we celebrate the Holidays and New Year, now is a good time to refocus on building the connections that will help expand our world, and increase our capacity for compassionate action.

The most basic and powerful way to do that, is by listening to connect with each person we engage. By giving our attention, and seeking to see, hear and value their perspective, we build a better future for both of us, and those around us.

Listening to Connect is a foundational skill of Conversational Intelligence®. To learn more about how it could assist you, visit here.

Let’s create a better future today!

Reflecting on Where am I now

12/18/2016

 
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December 18, 2016
Clear Confident Leader Weekly Observer, Issue #18
From the Greenbelt of Boise, Idaho, Birds chirping & the crunch of snow at -4°F

Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection. – Winston Churchill
 
Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.
– Margaret J. Wheatley
 
Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection, will come even more effective action. – Peter Drucker
 
The human body and mind are tremendous forces that are continually amazing scientists and society. Therefore, we have no choice but to keep an open mind as to what the human being can achieve.  
– Evelyn Glennie
 
We approach the solstice this week, the shortest day of the year in the northern hemisphere. We will soon see the sun set on the end of the year as well. In many traditions, this is a time of rejoicing, as we make the turn to each day bringing more sunlight into our lives. 

Amidst the Christmas season as Winston Churchill observed, it is also a good season for reflection. Here are several questions I’m reflecting on now:
  • What impact did I create this year?
  • How am I learning and growing?
  • When am I most open minded and alive?

I find it illuminating to reflect on the impact I had. What did I contribute to with my family, friends, and the people, organizations and communities I engaged with? And, what unintended consequences might I have left behind through either my actions or inaction?

By considering the impact I’ve had, I awaken the opportunity for my learning and growth. Through reflecting on “what “worked”, “what didn’t work” and “what might be holding me back”, I set the stage for creating more effective action.

I find I need to compassionately accept what I observe to be real and true without self-judgment and interpretation. They can lead me astray, keeping me from seeing where I truly am. Accepting where I am now in my life, helps me open my mind for new learning and growth.

I’m inspired by Evelyn Glennie, virtuoso Scottish percussionist, deaf since the age of 12, who gives over 100 concerts a year playing barefoot to feel the music better.  As she notes, “we have no choice but to keep an open mind as to what we as human beings can achieve.”

​As I consider when am I the most open minded and alive, I find it is when I’m all-in, connected, learning and creating with other people. I rejoice in those moments.

I invite you to consider:
  • What impact did I create this year?
  • How am I learning and growing?
  • When am I most open minded and alive?

​I wish you a Happy Season of Reflecting and Rejoicing!

Lead with Clear Intention and Creative Impact

12/11/2016

 
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December 11, 2016
Clear Confident Leader Weekly Observer, Issue #17
From the Greenbelt of Boise, Idaho, Sun reflecting off the snow brilliantly

 

We either live with intention or exist by default.
– Kristin Armstrong
 
The smallest deed is better than the greatest intention.
– John Burroughs

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise; seek what they sought.
​– Bashō Matsuo
 
 
What happens when you are pushed or pulled by someone or something?
 
For most of us, our default reaction is to push or pull back. In so doing we get into a shoving match or tug-of-war competition with no clear intention, and often leading to a lose-lose outcome.  
 
It is easy to stay in the default existence of reacting to what triggers us. Our conditioned reactions are fight, flight, freeze or appease to defend and protect ourselves. Consider the impact on relationships, teams, organizations and communities in which people are reacting to defend and protect themselves. It can create a downward spiral tearing them apart.
 
To shift the dynamic,  we must learn to create win-win solutions in the midst of what grabs us. It requires us to develop our abilities to respond with both clear intention and creative impact. Each moment offers an opportunity to consider the possible choices, and to perform creative deeds.
 
By observing and reflecting on the actions we take and their impact, we can clarify our intentions and choose to hone our skills to respond creatively when grabbed. Clear intentions give us direction. Creative impact holds us accountable to achieve what we intend. By refining them together we build our confidence to lead.
 
  • What are your intentions?
  • What creative impact do seek to achieve in your relationships, teams, organizations and communities?
  • What helps you lead with clarity and confidence when you're triggered by a push or pull?
​ 
I believe in compassionate action to create a better future today. Aikido and Improv Theater are two practices that help me hone my skills to respond creatively when grabbed.

I assist people in creating a better future today, for themselves, their organizations, and the communities in which we live and work. To learn more, visit Resources.
 
Let’s create a better future today!

Generating Confidence

12/4/2016

 
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December 4, 2016
Clear Confident Leader Weekly Observer, Issue #16
From the Greenbelt of Boise, Idaho, First snowfall

 
Confidence determines whether our steps – individually or collectively – are tiny and tentative or big and bold. 
– Rosabeth Moss Kanter
 
Confidence is more important than ability when it comes to getting ahead.
– Katty Kay & Claire Shipman
 
 
Confidence arises within us as a feeling of self-assurance that we can effectively deal with the situations we face. Like a lighthouse, it can shine forth helping us navigate through challenging situations and circumstances with presence and resilience. And, when our confidence is low we tend to hold back, resorting to inaction as if we can’t see through the fog enveloping us.

Our level of confidence is transmitted to those around us in verbal and non-verbal ways impacting the actions of our families, groups, teams, organizations, communities and societies. Confidence determines the steps we take, individually and collectively.

​Learning to self-generate confidence in ourselves, is a crucial skill to lead our way through the complex, ambiguous, uncertain and volatile situations we experience in life. Confidence is a unique combination of
  • Internal sensations in our body (e.g. open fluidity, contracted tightness, etc.),
  • feelings of self-assurance based on experiencing our own abilities or qualities,
  • a belief in our ability to act effectively, and
  • an assessment of positive expectations for a favorable outcome.

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We build confidence in an interdependent spiral between Doing and Being, by focusing on Purposeful action and taking reasonable steps to learn and grow. We lose confidence when we become focused on our fears and anxieties, and over emphasize Doing or Being to the neglect of the other.
​
For example, a common challenge is believing that we need to "Be Right or Perfect" at whatever we do. Another is seeing each step we take as "Being either a Success or Failure". In both situations it can be easy to focus on fears of what happened the last time we “were wrong, imperfect or failed”, or the anxiety induced worries of what could go wrong in the future. The narrative or story that builds in our mind about these leads to our contracting our body to hold us back or away from what we don’t want to experience.

How do we catch ourselves when we’re in a downward spiral in confidence, and begin to self-generate the upward spiral?

I find the following eight steps helpful when I’m unsure:
  1. Notice what I’m focusing on – purposeful action to achieve an outcome I care about, or avoiding something that triggers fear or anxiety in me.
  2. Grounding myself, by focusing on my breathing, taking several slow deep breaths from my diaphragm to activate my parasympathetic nervous system, calming my whole body down.
  3. Naming and acknowledging what I’m fearful or anxious about.
  4. Clarifying what I care about achieving, and clearly stating my intentions.
  5. Identifying safe to experiment steps I’m willing to take to learn and grow.
  6. Experimenting and learning what works and what doesn’t work.
  7. Celebrating what I’ve learned, and the progress I’ve made.
  8. Refining what will be most helpful to do next.

I offer Generative Leadership Coaching to assist executives and professionals in learning to self-generate Clarity and Confidence for themselves. To learn more, visit here.

Let’s create a better future today!


    A Clear Confident Leader engages, inspires, and assists people to develop themselves, enabling them to create new possibilities and a better future today.

    ​The Observer focuses on practical steps to generate clarity, confidence, and leadership in ourselves and those around us. 

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